May 2023
Finding Strength, Heart, Resolve, and Eternal Optimism
Ben and I looking at his favorite animal at the zoo, the Giraffes,
just one day after surgery. Such a tough little guy!
It was one of the worst moments of my life. I watched my then 2.5 year old in a hospital gown being pushed through the double doors to the operating room. Him standing, clinging to the sides of the crib, while my wife and I watched his goofy smile change to a terrified look as he realized we weren’t going with him.
I lost it, in fact, just writing about it now makes me tear up. Shelby turned to me, took one look at my face and said, “he’s going to be okay”. Unable to get any words out… I just buried my face into her shoulder and tried to unsuccessfully pull myself together.
These are the parenthood moments that we don’t see highlighted on social media and it’s not talked about nearly enough. These are moments that forge a special bond between partners, siblings, and family. I don’t know where the phrase ‘worried sick’ comes from, but I certainly understand it.
In late 2019 when our son was only about a month old, we noticed his left thumb was always tucked into his hand. As first time parents, we didn’t think much of it. However, after staring at his hands for a week straight we thought that it didn’t look quite right. Sure enough, after seeing our pediatrician she agreed with us. We were referred to our children’s hospital here in San Diego. I won’t sugarcoat it, we were extremely upset with the care we received over a two year period regarding our son’s hand. Perhaps, they are short staffed (I’m sure they are) and perhaps compared to other cases our son’s hand was not a high priority. Nonetheless we weren’t getting the answers and/or direction we wanted, so we reached out to specialists in both Orange County and Los Angeles. And after 2+ years of discussion, evaluation, occupational therapy, constant debate and several opinions we made the extremely difficult decision to have it operated on.
CHOC - the Children's Hospital of Orange County - was where we were on the morning of his surgery. My mother-in-law was in tow to help watch our 7-month-old daughter, since we weren’t allowed to bring her into the hospital waiting room with us (COVID rules…). Graciously, my MIL sat in the car with our daughter in the parking garage the entire morning. I popped between the waiting room and the garage because candidly, I needed something to keep me busy.
Ben, with the full arm cast post surgery playing with baby sister, Elle
While we were in the waiting room and I tried to read/work/intermittently interrupt my wife with incoherent thoughts and realized this was going to be a long few hours. This is about the time I started to notice all the other parents who were in the same boat. Waiting and waiting and waiting some more, trying not to think about all of the possibilities of something going wrong. Trying not to imagine a doctor coming out with news that the unspeakable had happened. As I was observing these parents I realized something… they knew many of the nurses and staff. They shared quick chats with the cart girl/angel bringing around coffee and warm chocolate chip cookies to anxious parents... relax I only ate two cookies… but these parents were veterans. They knew where the restrooms were, where the closest ‘good’ coffee shop was, where to park, and how to interpret the status boards posted in the waiting room.
The next few days would bring much needed relief. The surgery was mostly a success and he bounced back incredibly quickly from it all. Much faster than Shelby or I emotionally. In fact, he was doing somersaults the next day (no joke)! It was almost like it never happened. As I reflected on the experience, the reality of it all really hit me.
At the time, my son was going in for what we hope is ONE surgery on his hand. Those veteran parents in the waiting room were facing ANOTHER surgery armed with the knowledge that this would not be their child’s last. All this to say, if you want to find strength, heart, resolve, and eternal optimists, look no further than your local children’s hospital waiting room. There you will find THEM: not good parents, not even great parents. There you’ll find the parents who have sacrificed everything for their child. I marveled at them. I was (and am) inspired by them. And the kicker? They do it all with a smile, a glass half-full approach, and oh yeah… maybe a chocolate chip cookie… or two.