June 2023
Is it May Gray or June Gloom?
Ben and Elle probably waiting for the garbage truck to come by…
I was asked recently if there’s such a thing as ‘Dad guilt’, unequivocally that answer (at least for me) is yes. While I can only speak for myself, I can all but guarantee every Dad feels guilty at times about going to work, forgetting the schedule, or overreacting to a child’s behavior. I feel like I fail in at least one interaction on a daily basis. Thankfully my wife helps me figure out a better way to improve and move forward every day. Our oldest has been getting out of bed and refusing to go to sleep at night for the past month. It’s never been an issue before. Just the other night my son cried so hard and for so long my wife and I were on the verge of tears ourselves. That next morning he seemingly had ZERO recollection of the (personally) traumatic experience. How strange and may I say … NOT COOL!
Part of becoming an adult is the realization that there are very few black and white answers. When I was young all I had to do was ask my parents. They’d tell me what was right and what was wrong. Even when I didn’t particularly care for the answer, I typically accepted it and moved on. As I became an adult, and I say ‘adult’ loosely, I started to understand how much gray existed in the world. It wasn’t as easy as choosing A or B. That was magnified when I became a parent at 35. That’s when the full force of every decision hit me. I underestimated how many decisions my wife and I would have to make. How both of our childhoods, life experiences, and values would have to intersect and connect on 1 bazillion (yes, that’s a real number) choices we’d have to make on our kids’ behalf. The process of making these decisions also tends to be a mix of faith, luck, experience, and all-around improvisation.
What feels especially difficult about guiding our littles ones is that they’re evolving and changing so rapidly that it makes my (old) adult brain fold into itself. The rawness of their emotion, the intense observations, and the unique interpretations catches even the most prepared of us off guard. We, as parents, are often trying to adapt ‘on the fly’. Anndd good luck to us.
Day to day it can feel like a losing battle. At least in this house, we are outnumbered. I like to joke that not only are we in a zone defense, but they’re running 2 on 1 fast breaks on my wife and I, laughing in our face as they decide who they’d like to dunk on this time.
Shelby holding both Brady and Brixton.
Candidly, we use the illusion of control to get through most days. If only the little humans knew how much power they had. The reality isn’t that we’re ‘losing’ everyday. It’s that parenting requires so much focus and it’s done best when we’re 100% present. Being present is something we’re all getting worse at… I don’t need to mention how many of us are watching TV and using our phones at the same time (oops) while sitting next to our spouse on the couch. Just being present can feel exhausting to many of us regardless of the circumstances.
Shelby and I are still very much in the 1st quarter of parenting, so take everything I say with a small grain of salt. All I’ve figured out in this parenting game so far is it’s more about the macro than the micro. Personally, we try to focus on 3 main goals for our kids. We want them to be happy, healthy, and kind. That’s our overly simplistic mission statement. If we feel like something isn’t going to contribute to them being happy, healthy, or kind we do our best to remove or modify it. It’s no secret that achieving those goals with every child is more complex than trying to figure out the quadratic equation in middle school. After all, there’s no one recipe that will work for every kid. They’re evolving right now, again and again, and again.
However, l believe, if we show up everyday, if we tell them AND show them we love them, if we find self-control in difficult situations, if we are consistent, if we ask questions and are interested in what they’re interested in, then it’s possible to start to stacking some wins, even if they’re microscopic. It’s a funny thing, because we love our children more than anything and it’s as if they’re out to prove that it’s actually true… will you still love me if I do this…?
I do know this for sure - I always want to continue learning and keep improving as a Dad. One phrase that has helped me recover from a rough patch is reminding myself every day we must, “begin again”. I know I will fail. It’s inevitable. I also know I will pick myself up. I will apologize. I will show it’s OK to make mistakes. I will speak kinder. I will allow them to feel all of their feelings. I will redirect their behaviors. But most importantly, I will be here. I will love them forever.