October 2023
“Who helped you today? …Who did you help?”
Last week, we had an opportunity to celebrate my sister. We came together to grieve. We came together to talk about her legacy. And she leaves quite a legacy behind. Her biggest legacy being her little girls, who she asked every night, “Who helped you today?…Who did you help?” It was her way of connecting the girls to their community while also instilling the importance of giving back and practicing gratitude on a daily basis.
Jo sandwiched in love. Her girls, Ensley, 5 (left) and Cardiff, 3 (right).
Her service was held at Cape Rey Resort in Carlsbad. The room was full, though that was never in doubt, Jo always drew a crowd. By my estimate, over 300 people showed up to support our family. I had many conversations with family, old friends, and new friends over the few hours we spent in Carlsbad on that incredibly sunny morning. I think we all came looking for something, answers. Why did this happen, and how? No matter your beliefs, it’s hard to come to grips with the loss of someone like my sister. We need more people like her, not less. We need her helping to inspire more good in the world, not less. Just over 2 months after she passed, I think we all have more questions than answers. While our family has dealt with a significant amount of death (Dad Josh 2009, Mom 2011, Grandpa 2013, and Yia Yia 2016) we have never dealt with something like this. This was supposed to be the chapter of my life where we did all the celebrating. I won’t lie, I’m still struggling to describe my feelings. I was able to put that ‘Death’ chapter in a neat little box; I was able to process each of those deaths as someone without children and a wife. It’s just one of the ways her death has been different, in both good and bad. I feel so incredibly blessed to have had Shelby with me on this journey from the moment Jo was diagnosed. Each of us, trying to understand, and make sense of the nonsensical. We’re both still grieving Joanna’s diagnosis, I don’t think we’ve even made it to her death. And after watching 30+ people, including her wife Brittany, and her two babies, my nieces, say goodbye to Jo in that tiny ICU room, all I wanted to do was get home in time to hug my babies before they went to sleep. They say, healing and grieving takes time. I believe that to be true. I also know that part of being a Dad to 4 little people is that that resource (time) is the most fleeting of them all.
BEING YOU IS BEAUTIFUL (Jo, Ensley, wife Brittany, and Cardiff)
When my sister got sick, my first instinct was to drop everything and just focus on getting her healthy. And that’s all I wanted to do. I told my wife, Shelby, “this is one of those moments in life where you want to put all of your time and resources into helping her get better.” Then I followed with, “except we don’t have any time, or a whole lot of resources to contribute.” Most of you know by now, we have 4 kids that are 4 and under. For this past year, we’ve had help in the form of our Au Pair, Alva. She actually was less than a month from leaving when we found out about Jo’s diagnosis. So as Alva is heading home, we’re trying to figure out how to ride this bike with no help. We’re trying to figure out how to take the time to really grieve my sister.
Maybe most devastating of all, I thought we had time. I thought Jo and I would have time to reconnect. I thought we would have time to help her get healthy. To pick her up when she was down. To shoulder some of the endless burden. I thought we would have time to REALLY talk, like we haven’t in years (i.e. small children). I thought, even if she didn’t ultimately win, that she would fight for years. I know she was prepared and willing to fight. In the end, if there was any silver lining to this, I guess maybe it’s that she didn’t have to fight and suffer for years.
If you needed a reminder to try and find joy and gratitude everyday, this is it. And you can find it by starting with a couple questions, “Who did you help today?…and Who helped you?”